I don't know if I've found it, but today I got at least a taste of what that might feel like.
Now that Isabella is full-swing into preschool (don't tell her that, you must refer to it as 'school') our morning routine includes getting up, seeing Mommy off to her school, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and then heading off to Isabella's school before Daddy heads to school himself. We like learning, what can I say?
Anyway, Friday as we were getting ready I looked at the clock and I realized that we were incredibly behind. We had more things left to do than time left to do them. That's not good, and for a person like myself who...strongly prefers punctuality, that's a really not good thing. So, I started rushing. Herein lies the problem. Isabella has recently begun this "do it by myself" phase, which is great, except when she's slowly doing it by herself and we're running late. Then I start to stress out and panic and urge and push and prod and...
You get the picture.
So, I asked her to put on her shoes and socks (read: shoe yourself as fast as humanly possible) and she sat down to take care of that "all by myself" (read: as slowly as humanly possible). I'm freaking out. This is not good. We're going to be late. I'm going to look like a bad parent because I can't get my child to school on time and a bad student because I can't get myself to school on time. Not good. At all.
These thoughts lead me to do the only logical thing - take the shoes and do it for her.
Bad decision. Not logical at all. Cue tears and total meltdown.
I tried to calm her down - to no avail. I tried to reason with her - fruitless. I finally just said, "Baby, look at my face. Do I look mad at you?" She said no. I said, "Then, why are you so upset."
And in this way, the most heart-wrenching and hurtful words I've heard in a long time came out of my daughter's mouth. Tears running down her face, she said to me:
"...because I'm mad at you, Daddy."I cannot express the hurt that a statement like that can bring to a parent, especially when you know it's your fault in the first place. The last thing that I want to do is hurt my child. Yet, while I know there is merit to her anger toward me - she needs opportunities to grow and do things on her own - I really was just trying to help. I even heard myself saying as I tried to calm her down, "I'm not trying to hurt you. Just let me do it for you. I know a better way."
Even still, in the midst of all of that, I couldn't help but think all day about what it must be like for God, to hear from His children, "I'm mad at you."
We only see a glimpse of this as parents, as we watch our children begin to grow in independence and become the person that God has made them to be. But God sees each situation so much more clearly than we do. I'm not thinking of those moments where we know there is nothing we can do and we must depend on God to handle it (even if it's the last, begrudging thing we do). I'm thinking of those days when we know we ought to trust God to take care of things, but we have the means to do it ourselves and so we do it our way instead. God sees those moments and He looks at us and says, "Just trust me. I know a better way."
And sometimes, maybe even all the time, we get so upset and frustrated and...well, mad because we know how to solve the problem and we want to do it "all by myself," and God knowing better just gets in the way of our plans.
Or does it?
No. It doesn't. I'm coming to realize more each day that God knowing better doesn't get in the way of my plans at all. It gets in the way of my pride.
And that hurts. As God does the things that are best for us, things that may not even be in our own plans for our lives, sometimes it will hurt. I'm reminded of a sculptor, chiseling away at all the extra stone to reveal the expertly crafted masterpiece inside. It hurts, but it is so good for us in the end because it teaches us to rely, not on our own wisdom and ability, but on the infinite wisdom and ability of God.
There will inevitably be times when Isabella is mad at me because she wants to be independent but, due to the situation, she must depend on my limited wisdom and ability (I'm thinking of things like driving and dating). Of course I won't parent perfectly and there will be many times when I rely on myself for the strength to do that - and I will fail miserably.
But the same can be said for all of us in our relationship with God. We want to be independent and self-governing, but God made us to be dependent upon Him and governed by Him. We want to worship ourselves and our strength, but God made us to worship Him alone. Because of this, we are tempted every day to grow angry with God because, ultimately, He knows the better way and to trust Him in that is to put to death our pride and our plans for the sake of His glory in our lives.
It hurts me deeply to hear Isabella tell me that she is mad at me, and I'm sure it won't be the last time either. But, imagine how much more so it is with God.
You didn't get the job you prayed for. "I'm mad at you, God."
Your financial situation gets worse instead of better. "It's your fault, God."
You lose a precious family member to death. "Why would you do this to me, God?"
There are so many things that we could get mad at God about, and yet it is unfounded and ill-informed because we cannot always see or know the purpose that He has for us in a situation. His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. Sometimes we get so lost in the details of a situation that we lose sight of the bigger picture - that God has a plan for us and that His plan is to glorify Himself in all things.
Maybe this is just review for you. Good - be encouraged.
But maybe it's deeper than that. Maybe God is saying to you, right now,
"Trust me. I know a better way."
That you might know Christ,
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